Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
