hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
