My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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