just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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