that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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