Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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