sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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