battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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