I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
