I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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