my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
