I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
