No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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