She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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