Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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