Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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