Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
