I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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