I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
