Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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