Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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