I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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