haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
