i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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