Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
