I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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