someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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