Will you blow on my dice?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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