I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
