Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
