the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
