I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
