well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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