Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
