I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
