Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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