the condom got lost in my hair
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
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Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
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I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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