On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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