Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
