ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
