after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
