NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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