I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
