Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
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he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
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I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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