Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
