Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
