I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You're like the curious george of whores
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
