i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he fucked my hip out of place.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
