she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm passing your future prison.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
