when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
