so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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