Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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