So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
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Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.