I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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