just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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