my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
