just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
