I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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